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by qu33n b33
Summary: Panda really hates being called cute. And after that disaster of a competition, his brothers really want to know why. (Trans Boy Panda)


**There's a lot of talk on the various reasons that Panda was embarrassed about being cute (the main one being his brothers are cool and he wants to be like them) but this is my personal opinion on it.**

 **Also it're really short and just kinda stops at the end but there's no real 'plot' here so,,**

* * *

It was quiet on the walk home from the competition. Panda hadn't won the cute contest, but to be honest he wasn't really upset about it. While his brothers had rooted for him and he was sad to let them down, in all honesty cuteness wasn't something he admired about himself. He wanted to be cool like his brothers, not cute like... Like...

"Hey, Pan-Pan." Grizz reached over and placed a paw on his brother's shoulder. Panda glanced up from where he had nervously been playing with his phone and smiled hesitantly at his brother.

"Yes, Grizz?"

"What's up, Lil Bro? You seemed really upset about the cute thing. I know you want to be cool like us, but you're _amazing_ the way you are. You _do_ know that, right?"

"Ice Bear knows that."

"Th-thanks guys." Panda chuckled and lowered his head. In truth what his brothers had said had made him feel a lot better. However, it didn't really get to the root of the problem. He was cool in his own way, and he understood that, but he was afraid that the others-people and bears alike-didn't really see him like that. Didn't see him as... _Him._

"B-but I don't know. I still don't like being cute. Is that all you guys think I am?"

Grizz raised a brow and shared a look with Ice Bear, who shrugged. "No way, man. You're really smart, too. And you've got a lot of cool interests n'stuff. Just cuz you're not like Ice Bear 'n me doesn't mean you're not cool." He paused when Ice Bear stepped in front of him to open the front door to their house and cast a worried glance at Panda, who had gone quiet.

"I dunno, Grizz." Panda's voice as they stepped into the living room was quiet, almost fragile in tone. "That still doesn't make me feel better. It really bothers me when people call me cute, a-and..."

 _You're not like Ice Bear 'n me._

"Nevermind." Panda said stiffly as he walked between his brothers on his way to his room, "It-nevermind."

"Panda, wai-!" A loud 'THUD' cut Grizz off as Panda's door slammed shut, signaling the end of the conversation.

"Ice Bear didn't see that coming."

* * *

"You're not like Ice Bear and me." Panda muttered to himself, half mockingly as he paced in his room. He had spent several minutes crying into a pillow, but that honestly wasn't helping anything or easing his 'cuteness' any. He ran his paws through his fur and sighed.

"I guess that's what bothered me. I _know_ I'm not like them, and I know it... It's okay... They've said that before. So why does it bother me now?"

He groaned to himself. He knew why, but even admitting it in his own mind was like giving access to his mind to a monster that couldn't be stopped. And once he let the monster in, he couldn't guarantee he would make it back out okay. Was he even okay now? He wasn't sure, but it was doubtful.

"For Grizz to say it like that... He didn't mean it. He probably even _forgot_ I'm not like them, right? He wouldn't say that on purpose..." Panda pondered it for a moment. Perhaps it still put Grizz in the wrong, though accidentally. He could live with that conclusion.

He was about to say more when there was a tap at his door.

"Pan-Pan? You ready to talk, buddy?"

Said panda sighed and shrugged his shoulders, though he knew Grizz couldn't see it. "Sure. Come on in."

Grizz poked his head through the door and gave an uncertain smile. _He has no idea what to say, does he?_

"Hey! So, uh, rough day, huh?" Grizz sat on the edge of the bed as Panda continued to stand. The height difference gave Panda a bit of peace, and he wondered if it was intentional.

"Mhm. Not the greatest, but... Y'know."

"Heh, yeah..."

"Yeah..."

The silence between them stretched on and on until finally Panda couldn't stand it. In the silence he had become uncomfortable at every move Grizz made, and every almost-word made him resent his brother a bit more every time. His annoyance was uncalled for, he knew it, ad yet he couldn't help a low whine.

"What you said. Earlier, about me not being like you and Grizz. You said it really wrong." His tone was more accusatory than he wanted it to be, but even though his mind screamed at him to stop a rock had lodged itself in his belly and he simply couldn't bring himself to care. Grizz often didn't think about what he said, sure, and it was something he needed to work on. But they all knew that when something hurtful was said, it needed to be addressed. Panda tried to logic out his thinking, though it did little good.

Grizz in turn wrinkled his nose and furrowed his brow. "What do you mean? I mean, you're not cool in the same way we are, but that's okay! You're still cool in your own way. And I mean, I'm your big bro, so of course I think you're cute. But if that's not the image you want to go for-"

"This isn't about image!" His eyes burned and the fur on his back bristled. He waved his arms in the air as if to prove a point, and then frowned. "I-I mean, it sort of is, but not like that! I don't-You don't have to point out that I'm not like you and Grizz. I-I _know..._ "

"Then what's the problem?!" Grizz said back, more exasperated than annoyed (Panda was sensitive and had many triggers that he wasn't completely aware of; he respected this as much as he could). "If you know you're not like us, why are you... So..."

A silence hung over the room, and it suffocated Panda. He suddenly wished he wasn't the one standing, exposed, in the middle of the room. He watched as the gears in his brother's head turned and flattened his years as close to his head as possible.

"Oh, Pan-Pan." Grizz stood slowly, "This isn't about the trans thing, isn't? Because that is _totally_ not what I meant. I just meant you're different-er, no, I mean-"

Panda sighed and turned away from Grizz. "I know what you mean."

"Then why...?"

And slowly the pieces fit together, and Panda couldn't deny it any more, not even to himself.

"Because everyone called me cute, and I hated it. It was all, look at this big panda! This adorable thing! How cute!"

"But I don't get it. What does being called cute have to do with it?"

"I... I guess I just felt like... Everyone thought I was cute in a _girly_ way."

Grizz paused, unsure what to say. It was true that Panda was cute, and it was true that as a trans boy he might be sensitive about some things, but to Grizz it seemed silly.

"Boys can be cute!" He grinned, "Heck, I think all boys are cute, y'know?"

Panda giggled despite himself. "Yeah, yeah. But I don't like being called cute."

"Because of the, uh, dyslexia stuff?"

"Dysphoria." Panda shook his head gently, "Yeah. It makes me feel... Gross. And not like-not like a _boy._ "

Grizz nodded. "Well then, we won't call you cute, okay? And we'll give a stern talking to to anyone that does. But I gotta say, sounds like you got some misogyny to work out yourself, with that girly cutesy stuff."

Panda snorted. "You couldn't remember dysphoria, but you can remember 'working out misogyny'?"

"Hey, I'm a complicated guy! So are you, y'know." Grizz grinned at Panda's blush, and reached over to hug his brother. "So, we good, Bro-Bro?"

Panda snuggled into Grizz's embrace and sighed gently. It was a happier sigh, and he smile to himself.

"Heheh, yeah. We're good."


End file.
